There Is a Fire. You Just Can’t See It.

Terrence was a contractor. Practical man. The kind of guy who coached his kids’ baseball team for twelve years without once yelling at an umpire. People around him would have called him steady.

Then something shifted. He started waking at 3am with his heart pounding. Not from nightmares — just awake, heart going, nothing in particular to explain it. He tried everything he knew how to try. Melatonin. No screens after 8pm. Earlier bedtimes. He cut caffeine down to almost nothing. Weeks of this. Nothing helped.

When he finally described the full picture to his doctor, he was braced to hear something was physically wrong. Instead, his doctor said something he wasn’t expecting:

“There is a fire. You just can’t see it.”

His nervous system had been absorbing months of sustained alarm. Real events, real uncertainty, real threats arriving faster than the previous ones had time to fade. And his body had done exactly what bodies are designed to do — it activated. It went on alert. The problem wasn’t that something was wrong with him. The problem was that his system had been running at high alert for so long it didn’t know how to stand down.

We’re taught to think about stress as something that happens in a moment. Something activates, we breathe through it, we return to baseline. Most of what we know about managing stress is built on that assumption.

But what happens when the stress isn’t a moment? What happens when it’s a continuous background — new crises arriving before the old ones resolve, the baseline of “normal” shifting somewhere unrecognizable, week after week?

Your tools were designed for a different kind of situation.

That’s what Lisa’s therapist, Dr. Chen, told her. Lisa had solid coping strategies that had worked for twenty years — yoga, long walks, breathing exercises. Then they stopped working, and she started wondering what was wrong with her. Dr. Chen said it plainly: “Your tools were designed for normal stress in normal times. What you’re experiencing isn’t normal stress.”

That reframe is important. Not because it removes your responsibility to take care of yourself, but because it points you toward the right question. Instead of “what’s wrong with me?” the question becomes: what do I actually need right now, given what’s actually happening?

Aaron Antonovsky, a psychologist who spent years studying Holocaust survivors, asked a different question than most researchers: not what made people sick under extreme stress, but what kept people healthy. What he found was that resilience under sustained pressure depends on three things: a sense that the world still makes some kind of sense, a belief that you have resources to cope, and a feeling that the struggle is worth something.

Right now, all three are under sustained pressure at the same time. That’s not a personal failure. That’s a description of the environment.

Staying Strong in Unsteady Times is my attempt to offer something more honest than “practice gratitude and take deep breaths” — though those things matter. It’s about understanding what’s actually happening to you, why your usual tools may not be enough, and what sustainable resilience looks like when the situation is genuinely hard.

Terrence eventually found his way through. It started not with a new technique, but with understanding what his body was trying to tell him.

That’s always where it starts.

📖 Get it on Amazon → amazon.com/dp/B0GY49XSVZ

What a Seven-Year-Old Saw That We Couldn't

Carl had been defending his political choices for years. At the dinner table. In the truck with his son. Online when someone pushed back.

He was good at it. He'd built up arguments, rehearsed them, believed them. The man said hard things, sure — but someone had to. That's what Carl told himself. That's what a lot of people told themselves.

Then one afternoon, his granddaughter was sitting beside him on the couch. She was seven. He had his phone out, watching a clip — a campaign moment, one of the usual ones — when she looked at the screen and said:

"Papa, why did he say that? That's so mean."

Carl froze.

He didn't have an answer. Not a real one. He opened his mouth and nothing came.

It wasn't a gotcha moment. She wasn't making a political point. She was just a kid watching an adult behave badly, confused about why the grown-ups around her weren't confused too.

That frozen silence — that's what I write about in Reversing the Drift. Not the dramatic break. The quiet one.

Here's what happens in our minds when we've committed to a position for a long time: the brain builds what psychologists call a fortress. Not a map anymore — a fortified structure we defend rather than navigate by. The discomfort of changing our minds gets stored as threat. So when something doesn't fit — a cruelty we can't explain, a lie we can't un-hear — we work to protect the structure. We minimize. We deflect. We say "well, the other side does it too."

The technical name for this is cognitive dissonance. But the lived experience is just: something doesn't add up, and it feels terrible, and we do almost anything to make the terrible feeling go away.

What Carl's granddaughter did was something extraordinary, entirely by accident. She wasn't working around his defenses — she had no idea there were any. She just said what she saw.

And in the space between her question and his silence, Carl heard himself.

That's often how it starts. Not with a newspaper headline. Not with an argument. Not with someone proving you wrong online. It starts with a moment so human it gets through before the defenses can mobilize.

A child's question. A quiet morning. A phrase on the radio that just doesn't land right anymore.

I've talked to a lot of people who describe a moment like Carl's. The specifics vary. The feeling is almost always the same: a sudden stillness. An awareness that something you'd been carrying was heavier than you'd admitted.

If you've had a moment like that, you're not stupid. You're not weak. You're human. And the fact that you're still thinking about it — that it still sits with you — means something.

Reversing the Drift is written for people in that stillness. People who aren't sure what they believe anymore, or who are just starting to wonder. There's no contempt in these pages. No lectures. Just an honest conversation about how smart, decent people drift — and how they find their way back.

📖 Get it on Amazon → amazon.com/dp/B0FXYPSPZQ

There Is a Fire: What Your Body Knows That Your Brain Is Trying to Deny

Terrence was not the kind of man who talked about his feelings.

He was a contractor — practical, competent, the kind of person who showed up, did the work, and fixed what was broken. When something went wrong in his life, he found the source of the problem, addressed it, and moved on.

So when he started waking up at 3 a.m. — heart pounding, mind racing, no particular reason he could identify — he did what he always did. He tried to fix it.

He cut out the news after 9 p.m. He exercised more. He went to bed earlier. He tried deep breathing, journaling, a white noise machine. Some of it helped a little. None of it made the alarm stop.

Terrence finally went to his doctor, expecting something clinical. A sleep disorder, maybe. A vitamin deficiency. Something he could treat and be done with.

His doctor surprised him.

"There is a fire," the doctor said. "You just can't see it."

I've spent a lot of years listening to people describe what they're feeling — and watching them apologize for it. I shouldn't feel this way. I know it's not rational. I just need to push through.

Here's what I've come to believe, after decades of work in counseling and coaching: your feelings are not the problem. They are information.

Think about a smoke alarm. When it goes off, you don't question whether it's overreacting. You look for the fire. The alarm isn't broken because it's loud — it's doing exactly what it was designed to do.

What Terrence was experiencing — the 3 a.m. wake-ups, the pounding heart, the inability to calm down through sheer willpower — was his nervous system doing exactly the same thing. It had absorbed months of sustained alarm: a steady stream of destabilizing news, unpredictable crises, threats to institutions he'd taken for granted. And it was doing what nervous systems do. It was refusing to stand down.

That's not weakness. That's accurate perception.

Aaron Antonovsky, the sociologist who studied how people maintain health under extreme stress, asked a question most researchers weren't asking: not what makes people sick, but what keeps them healthy when everything is working against them? One of his answers: the world needs to make sense to us. When comprehensibility breaks down — when we can't predict what comes next, when the rules change daily, when we can't trust what we're told — our nervous system goes on sustained alert. That alert is appropriate.

The crisis isn't in your head. The crisis is real.

Which means the path forward isn't about silencing your feelings. It's about learning to work with them — treating them as information rather than failure, and finding practices that address the underlying fire rather than just muffling the alarm.

That's what Staying Strong in Unsteady Times is about. Not toxic positivity. Not the empty reassurance that everything will be fine. A real framework — grounded in decades of research on how people survive, and sometimes thrive, under extraordinary pressure.

If Terrence's story sounds familiar, you're not alone. And you're not broken.

The situation is.

📖 Get it on Amazon → amazon.com/dp/B0GY49XSVZ

When Purpose Isn't Enough

There's a version of burnout that's especially hard to talk about — the kind that happens not because your work is meaningless, but because it means too much.

Terrence was one of the people I spent the most time with while writing this book. He was in his early thirties, had put himself through school, was supporting younger siblings, mentoring kids in his neighborhood, advancing in a career that wasn't exactly designed with people like him in mind. By any measure, he was doing extraordinary things.

He was also barely holding on.

When we first talked, he described it as feeling like he was always running a deficit. Like no matter how much he did, it wasn't quite enough, and no matter how much he gave, he never felt refilled. "I'm motivated," he told me. "I just don't know how much longer I can keep going."

What I came to understand, working through this with him, is that not all meaning is created equal. Viktor Frankl, whose work is central to Staying Strong, argued that humans are fundamentally meaning-seeking creatures — that purpose is essential to psychological survival. He was right. But Frankl developed his ideas under the most extreme conditions imaginable. What he couldn't fully account for was the texture of meaning in ordinary life: that some sources of meaning replenish us while others, even worthy ones, draw us down.

Terrence's life was full of meaning. It was also full of obligation, pressure, representation, and consequence. Every meaningful thing he did came attached to the weight of people depending on him. There was nothing in his life that was just his — that existed apart from what others needed from him.

That's not a motivation problem. That's a sustainability problem.

The shift for Terrence — and it was slow, and it wasn't easy — was learning to distinguish between those two kinds of meaning. To find, and protect, sources of meaning that were genuinely replenishing: things he did because they mattered to him specifically, not because others needed it. A few hours a week that belonged only to him. Permission to receive, not just give.

This is one of the quieter lessons in Staying Strong: staying strong isn't about finding more motivation. It's about building a life where the things that matter to you also have some capacity to give back.

If you've been running on meaning alone and wondering why you're still exhausted, I think there's something in this book for you.

Your Feelings Aren't the Problem

One of the first things I tell people when everything is falling apart is this: what you're feeling is not the enemy.  That is especially true now.  Most of my social media connections are quite distressed about the current things happening politically, including the assaults on many aspects of our lives.  I repeat: Your feelings aren’t the problem.

That sounds simple. It isn't.

Most of us spent decades learning the opposite. Push through. Don't dwell. Stay positive. Keep moving. And when those strategies stopped working — when the anxiety wouldn't go away, when the grief kept showing up uninvited, when the anger started bleeding into everything — we assumed something was wrong with us.

I met Lisa early in the research for this book. She was a single mom, an elementary school teacher, someone who had spent her whole life taking care of other people. By the time we talked, she was exhausted in a way that sleep couldn't fix. She described feeling "hollowed out" — present in her life but not really in it.

She told me she was embarrassed by how she felt. That people had it so much worse. That she didn't have a right to feel this way.

I've heard some version of that from almost everyone I've worked with. The idea that your feelings need to be earned. That you're only entitled to struggle if the circumstances are bad enough.

Viktor Frankl, who survived the Nazi concentration camps and went on to develop Logotherapy, argued that meaning can be found in any circumstances — but only if you're honest about what those circumstances are actually doing to you. You can't navigate toward meaning from a position of denial.

I think of feelings the way I think about smoke alarms. When one goes off, you don't rip it from the ceiling. You find out what's burning. The alarm is information. Uncomfortable, urgent, sometimes maddening — but information.

What Lisa needed wasn't to feel less. She needed help understanding what her feelings were pointing at. Once she started listening instead of suppressing, things started to shift. Not because her circumstances changed immediately — they didn't — but because she stopped spending energy fighting herself.

That's the first move in staying strong: stop treating your own interior life like a problem to be managed. It's trying to tell you something.

The question is whether you're willing to slow down long enough to hear it.

Staying Strong in Unsteady Times is available now.

You’re Not Crazy—You’re Waking Up

Something doesn’t feel right.

You can’t quite name it. The words you used to say don’t fit the same way anymore. The explanations that used to satisfy you now leave a residue of doubt. You find yourself hesitating before you speak, editing yourself in ways you didn’t used to.

And part of you wonders: Am I losing my mind?

You’re not.

You’re waking up.

What Waking Up Feels Like

The early stage of seeing clearly is disorienting. It’s supposed to be.

You’ve been operating inside a framework that told you what to think, how to interpret events, who to trust, and what things mean. When that framework starts to crack, everything feels unstable for a while.

That instability isn’t a sign you’re broken. It’s the feeling of transition. It’s the space between the old map and the new one.

The dissonance you feel—that sense that something is off, that the pieces don’t fit anymore—is not a malfunction.

It’s signal.

Trust the Discomfort

I know it doesn’t feel good. Doubt rarely does. Especially when the people around you seem certain, when the group you’ve been part of moves forward without hesitation while you’re standing still.

But consider this: certainty can be performed. Confidence can be a mask. The people who seem most sure may simply be further from their own discomfort—not closer to the truth.

Your doubt is not weakness. It’s your mind doing what minds are supposed to do: noticing when something doesn’t add up.

What Comes Next

You don’t have to figure everything out right now. You don’t have to make announcements or burn bridges or explain yourself to anyone.

Right now, your only job is to notice what you’re noticing. To stop suppressing the questions. To let the dissonance be there without forcing a resolution.

Clarity comes. Not all at once, but it comes.

And when it does, you’ll find that you haven’t lost yourself.

You’ve found yourself again.

———

Reversing the Drift is a book for people in this passage—a guide to finding your way back to clear thinking without shame.

Follow this page. More ahead.

When Loyalty Replaces Thinking

There’s a moment in every high-control environment—whether it’s a political movement, a religious group, a company, or a family system—when the rules quietly shift.

At first, questions are welcomed. Curiosity is encouraged. “We’re all learning together,” they say. “This is about truth.”

But at some point, a line is drawn. And you’re not always told where it is.

You ask a question and get a look. You raise a concern, and the room goes cold. You notice something that doesn’t add up, and instead of an answer, you get a lesson on trust.

That’s the moment when loyalty replaces thought.

How It Works

The shift is subtle. It’s not announced. It happens through tone, exclusion, and the slow realization that some thoughts are welcome and others aren’t.

You learn which questions are safe. You learn how to frame your doubts so they sound like support. You learn that the cost of honesty is higher than the cost of silence.

And here’s the thing: this isn’t always malicious. Sometimes, the people enforcing loyalty are just as caught as you are. They’re afraid, too. They’ve made the same calculations. The system perpetuates itself through everyone inside it.

We’ve seen this dynamic play out dramatically in recent years. Entire communities where asking the wrong question gets you labeled a traitor. Where admitting doubt means losing your place. Where loyalty to a leader matters more than loyalty to the truth you once shared.

The Test That Reveals Everything

Here’s a simple diagnostic: What happens when someone you trust and respect disagrees with the group?

In a healthy environment, disagreement is information. It gets discussed. It might change minds—including yours. The relationship survives the difference.

In a loyalty-based environment, disagreement is betrayal. The person is reclassified. They become someone who “doesn’t get it,” or worse, an enemy. And you’re expected to reclassify them too.

Watch what happens to the people who leave. That tells you everything.

Finding Your Way Back

If you recognize this pattern, you’re not broken. You’re seeing clearly.

The path forward isn’t about fighting the system or convincing anyone else. It’s about reclaiming your own thinking. It’s about giving yourself permission to notice what you notice, to doubt what you doubt, to ask the questions that have been living in you unasked.

Loyalty is beautiful when it’s freely given to something worthy. But when it’s demanded, when it comes with a price, when it requires you to stop thinking—that’s not loyalty anymore.

That’s capture.

You can find your way out.

———

If this resonates, my book Reversing the Drift explores these patterns in depth—and offers a path back to your own judgment.

Follow this page for more. I write about clear thinking in chaotic times.

When Loyalty Replaces Critical Thought

There’s a moment in every high-control environment—whether it’s a political movement, a religious group, a company, or a family system—when the rules quietly shift.

At first, questions are welcomed. Curiosity is encouraged. “We’re all learning together,” they say. “This is about truth.”

But at some point, a line is drawn. And you’re not always told where it is.

You ask a question and get a look. You raise a concern, and the room goes cold. You notice something that doesn’t add up, and instead of an answer, you get a lesson on trust.

That’s the moment when loyalty replaces thought.

How It Works

The shift is subtle. It’s not announced. It happens through tone, exclusion, and the slow realization that some thoughts are welcome and others aren’t.

You learn which questions are safe. You learn how to frame your doubts so they sound like support. You learn that the cost of honesty is higher than the cost of silence.

And here’s the thing: this isn’t always malicious. Sometimes, the people enforcing loyalty are just as caught as you are. They’re afraid, too. They’ve made the same calculations. The system perpetuates itself through everyone inside it.

We’ve seen this dynamic play out dramatically in recent years. Entire communities where asking the wrong question gets you labeled a traitor. Where admitting doubt means losing your place. Where loyalty to a leader matters more than loyalty to the truth you once shared.

The Test That Reveals Everything

Here’s a simple diagnostic: What happens when someone you trust and respect disagrees with the group?

In a healthy environment, disagreement is information. It gets discussed. It might change minds—including yours. The relationship survives the difference.

In a loyalty-based environment, disagreement is betrayal. The person is reclassified. They become someone who “doesn’t get it,” or worse, an enemy. And you’re expected to reclassify them too.

Watch what happens to the people who leave. That tells you everything.

Finding Your Way Back

If you recognize this pattern, you’re not broken. You’re seeing clearly.

The path forward isn’t about fighting the system or convincing anyone else. It’s about reclaiming your own thinking. It’s about giving yourself permission to notice what you notice, to doubt what you doubt, to ask the questions that have been living in you unasked.

Loyalty is beautiful when it’s freely given to something worthy. But when it’s demanded, when it comes with a price, when it requires you to stop thinking—that’s not loyalty anymore.

That’s capture.

You can find your way out.

———

If this resonates, my book Reversing the Drift explores these patterns in depth—and offers a path back to your own judgment.

Follow this page for more. I write about clear thinking in chaotic times.

The Drift You Don't Notice

Nobody wakes up one morning and decides to abandon everything they believe in.

That’s not how it works. The shift happens slowly—so slowly you don’t notice it while it’s happening. One small compromise. One opinion you keep to yourself. One relationship you let go of because it’s easier than explaining. And then another. And another.

I call this drift.

Drifting isn’t dramatic. It’s not a crisis. It’s the gradual distance that grows between who you are and who you’re becoming—between what you actually believe and what you find yourself saying, doing, or defending.

Most people who’ve drifted don’t realize it until something breaks the spell. A comment from an old friend. A question from a child. A moment of quiet when the noise stops and something feels off.

How Drift Happens

Drifting doesn’t require bad intentions. In fact, it often begins with good ones.

You join a community because you want belonging. You follow a leader because they seem to have answers. You adopt a worldview because it explains what felt confusing. None of that is foolish. It’s human.

But somewhere along the way, the cost of staying starts to rise. You have to ignore what doesn’t fit. You have to distance yourself from people who ask uncomfortable questions. You have to defend a certainty you don’t actually feel.

And the strange thing is that the more you invest, the harder it becomes to see what’s happening. Psychologists call this “commitment and consistency”—the human tendency to keep acting in line with what we’ve already done, even when the reasons have disappeared.

Drifting is not stupidity. Drifting is what happens when smart, caring people find themselves in a situation that rewards not noticing.

The Signs You Might Be Drifting

There’s no blood test for drift. But there are signals—quiet ones—that something has changed:

You find yourself avoiding certain people, not because of anything they did, but because their presence makes you uncomfortable.

You notice yourself defending things you would have questioned five years ago.

You feel a flicker of doubt—and then immediately suppress it.

You’ve stopped asking “Is this true?” and started asking “How do I explain this to others?”

You’re tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix.

None of these mean you’ve done anything wrong. They mean you’re a person who got caught up in something—and part of you knows it.

Why This Matters

Recognizing drift is the beginning—not the end—of something.

It doesn’t mean you were stupid. It doesn’t mean you have to blow up your life. It means you’re starting to see clearly again, and that clarity is a gift—even when it’s uncomfortable.

The path back to yourself isn’t about shame. It’s about honesty. It’s about asking the questions you stopped asking. It’s about reconnecting with the values that were always yours—before someone else began defining them for you.

Drift can be reversed. That’s the whole point.

It starts with noticing.

———

If this resonates, my book Reversing the Drift goes deeper—a practical guide for anyone seeking to return to their own thinking.

Follow this page to stay connected. I write about what I’ve learned over thirty years of helping people at turning points.

Why I Wrote Reversing the Drift

For over thirty years, I've worked as a counselor and coach, helping people navigate life's challenges, clarify their values, and become the people they want to be. I've sat with people in crisis, in transition, in moments of profound doubt. I've learned that good people can lose their way—and that finding it again requires both understanding and compassion.

Since 2016, I've watched something troubling unfold. People I know and love—thoughtful, caring individuals—began defending ideas and behaviors they once would have questioned. Families divided. Friendships fractured. And many of us have felt a growing unease, wondering: How did we get here?

I wrote Reversing the Drift because I believe we need a different kind of conversation about what happened.

Not Political. Human.

This isn't a book about politics in the traditional sense. It's not about policy debates or partisan talking points. It's about something more fundamental: how good people gradually drift away from their core values—and how they can find their way back.

The drift didn't happen because people suddenly became cruel or foolish. It happened because the right conditions came together: economic anxiety, cultural disruption, sophisticated manipulation, and our very human need for belonging, certainty, and purpose.

Understanding this—really understanding it—changes everything.

Who This Book Is For

Reversing the Drift is written for two groups of readers:

First, for those who've begun to question. If you supported Trump and are now having doubts—if you're noticing the cognitive dissonance, feeling the exhaustion, wondering how you got here—this book is for you. There's no shame in questioning. It takes courage to admit when our maps no longer match reality.

Second, for those who care about someone caught in the drift. If you're watching a parent, sibling, friend, or partner defend things that once would have horrified them, this book will help you understand what's really happening—and how to engage with compassion rather than contempt.

What You'll Find Inside

Through gentle stories, psychological insight, and practical wisdom, the book explores:

• How the drift happened - The conditions and manipulations that pulled people away from their values

• Why it's so hard to leave - The psychological mechanisms that keep us defending flawed positions

• When reality breaks through - The moments when cognitive dissonance can no longer be ignored

• How to return to yourself - Practical steps for reclaiming authentic values and voice

• How to engage compassionately - Ways to connect across division without sacrificing integrity

• How to rebuild - Creating community based on shared values rather than shared enemies

Each chapter includes reflection questions to help you process your own journey.

No Shame. No Lectures. Just Understanding.

I've spent decades helping people change, and I know this: shame doesn't heal. Contempt doesn't persuade. Understanding does.

The people caught in the drift aren't stupid or evil. They're human. And under the right circumstances, any of us can be influenced. Recognizing this is the first step toward both personal healing and rebuilding our fractured communities.

The Path Forward

If you're questioning, you're not alone. If you're exhausted by division and anger, you're not alone. If you're ready to understand how this happened and find your way back to clarity and integrity, you're not alone.

Reversing the Drift is my attempt to light a path through the confusion—not with easy answers or political prescriptions, but with psychological insight, compassion, and hope.

The book is available now on Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. I invite you to read it, reflect on it, and share it with anyone who might be ready for this conversation.

Because the drift is reversible. The path back exists. And every person who finds their way home makes it easier for others to follow.

Questions or thoughts? I'd love to hear from you: rayhoskinscoaching@gmail.com

Angry and Overwhelmed

I am so damned angry today.  The Republicans just voted to harm millions of people.  Raised taxes on the lowest income people.  Drastically cut taxes for the wealthiest. Cut Medicaid and Medicare, which will cause major harm to our health care system, which is already in sad shape.  I am angry at anyone who is in support of this evil agenda.  I am perhaps more angry at those who might care about others in their private lives, but too apathetic or lazy to even follow the kind of pain that is being inflicted on anyone who isn’t wealthy by this administration and it’s elected collborators. 

I am tired of being angry.  Anger is a healthy emotion because it is our mind, body, and soul’s way of letting us know someone is violating our values.  The more anger we sense, the more violation we sense is going on.  Usually, with people, I acknowledge anger and ask myself if I am in a situation where it is appropriate to attempt to impose my values on another.  The answer is almost always no.  Not in this case.  I was raised to “love my neighbor as myself’. Republicans and their supporters are violating that value, and even those too lazy to vote in a way I have not seen before in my lifetime.

I play music in Assisted Living, Long-Term Nursing Care, and Memory Care for Seniors in my area. The other day, I walked into a long-term care facility to see a distraught lady in a wheelchair crying and talking about her situation.  She said if they cut her Medicaid, she would die. Furthermore, given her medical issues, she would die painfully, homeless and alone.  She has no surviving family.  The front desk people could not console her because she was right.  

I sometimes play five times a week in these facilities, and our area Seniors who are dependent on Medicaid or who might become dependent on Medicaid are afraid for their lives and their friends’ lives.  Donald Trump and Republicans, with fierce opposition from many Democrats, have created this fear.  

I also worked in child welfare and foster care.  I was a foster parent at one point.  Cutting Medicaid cuts health care for foster children.  It is their only source of insurance.  So children in foster care with, say, cancer will have no source of payment for their care. Of course, this administration stopped research on childhood cancer, too.  

Medicaid is also used to help adoptive parents pay for the care of adoptive children and for children who have aged out of the Foster Care System and are on their own.  The best adoptive parents are and have always been, working-class people.  Medicaid has made adoption affordable.  This law will lead to a reduction in adoptions without significant action at the state level.  Blue states will probably step up, but red states won’t.  

I was also raised in a family with kindness and Christian values. One of the statements that has stuck with me recently is, “You will recognize them by their fruits.”  For Christians who either supported Trump and the other politicians who are doing this or who believe they don’t need to vote for responsible policy for children, the poor, and the elderly, the things I am describing here are your fruits. I know you by the pain your misguided activity or apathy is causing.  

I am not a big fan of shame.  The purpose of shame is to let us know we have violated universal values.  For those who are responsible for this, I ask.  Are you ashamed yet?

People of the Lie: An Exploration of Evil

Several years ago, M. Scott Peck wrote a book entitled People of the Lie. In the book, he addressed the idea that many of us are uncomfortable with believing that evil exists, especially in our everyday lives. He included what I think is certainly one of the better breakdowns and explanations of evil behavior in humans that I have seen. When I am on social media, I frequently comment “evil” to describe behaviors that memes and posts describe. As I do that, Peck’s work is the framework that has most influenced my responses. I think he largely got it right.

He defines "people of the lie" as individuals who exhibit a persistent, willful commitment to deception—both to themselves and others—while avoiding personal responsibility for their actions. He describes them as morally corrupt individuals who refuse self-examination and project blame onto others to maintain an illusion of righteousness.

His breakdown of the nature of evil is particularly poignant today. Here are his traits.

1. Self-Deception & Denial

Politicians of the lie refuse to acknowledge their own wrongdoing and instead create distorted narratives to protect their image.

Example:

A senator is caught using campaign funds for personal vacations. Instead of admitting wrongdoing, he insists, “I was conducting important meetings overseas. This was all in service of my constituents.” He reframes his corruption as a duty, deceiving both himself and the public.

2. Projection of Evil

Rather than taking responsibility for their failures, they blame others, often accusing their opponents of the very corruption or misconduct they themselves are guilty of.

Example:

A governor ignores public health recommendations during a crisis, leading to widespread suffering. When questioned, he claims, “The real problem is the media spreading hysteria. They’re the ones endangering people.” He shifts blame away from his negligence onto others, demonizing the press in the process.

3. Lack of True Guilt or Remorse

Rather than feeling genuine guilt for unethical behavior, they either rationalize it, dismiss criticism as unfair, or paint themselves as the real victims.

Example:

A congresswoman is caught lying about her credentials. Instead of apologizing, she responds, “This is a witch hunt. They’re just attacking me because they can’t handle a strong leader.” She presents herself as the victim of unjust persecution, rather than acknowledging her deception.

4. Extreme Narcissism & Pride

They view themselves as superior, immune to accountability, and often react with anger or deflection when challenged.

Example:

A president refuses to accept responsibility for an economic downturn. When confronted, he boasts, “Nobody understands economics better than I do. If the economy is struggling, it’s because of the last administration, not me.” Instead of engaging with reality, he asserts his superiority while deflecting blame.

5. Destructive Influence

Their actions create dysfunction within government, media, and public discourse, often using manipulation to turn people against each other for their own gain.

Example:

A political leader frequently spreads conspiracy theories, claiming that elections are rigged against him despite a lack of evidence. His supporters, believing his lies, lose faith in democracy. His deception corrodes trust in institutions, causing long-term harm to the nation.

6. Resistance to Change

Unlike flawed individuals who recognize mistakes and seek to improve, people of the lie actively resist change and twist reality to justify their actions.

Example:

A senator repeatedly pushes policies that benefit wealthy donors while harming the general public. When faced with criticism, he declares, “I’m standing up for freedom! Anyone who disagrees is a socialist trying to destroy America.” He frames his self-serving actions as noble, shutting down any possibility of honest reflection or reform.

Peck’s People of the Lie suggests that such individuals are particularly dangerous in politics because they often present themselves as righteous leaders while engaging in profound deception. Their actions erode public trust, divide societies, and enable greater corruption under the guise of morality.

We have several leaders in the United States right now who exhibit all of these behaviors. The President is an obvious one. But we hae a VP, Speaker of the House, DOGE consultant and others who subborn these behaviors undermining the well being of the country and its citizens.

I think it is imperative that we really focus on ruling out people with these traits as we move forward in our political decisions. It isn’t a matter of party. Good governance requires integrity and removing the people of the lie.

Questions for Senior Citizens

I have received great feedback on my posts outlining the developmental tasks for those over 50. We seniors are too often treated in similar ways as children in our culture. The needs for inclusion, contribution and meaning do not go away with age.

There are those who advise against retirement because of this. Most Baby Boomers lack the kind of funds to spend large amounts of money on travel, having multiple vacation homes, etc.. So, we usually have to find ways to transition to meaningful lives in our own communities or in new communities where we know few people. The last two developmental stages of our lives are usually about integrity, accepting our mortality, and leaving a legacy. Here are questions I have designed for my older clients. I hope they might be helpful for some of my followers here.

1. What things have you liked doing before? Can we find a way to do them again or try something new that's similar?

2. Are there any cool things you wanted to learn or do but didn't have time? Maybe now's a good time to try them!

3. What are some things you're really good at? How can we use those strengths to make your life more fun?

4. Are there clubs or groups in your town that you might like? Joining can help you meet new friends and use your skills to help others.

5. What has stopped you from doing fun things before? Let's work together to find ways around those problems.

6. What would make your life really great? Let's think of small steps we can take to make it happen.

7. Do you have friends or family who could help you find new things to do? They might have great ideas too!

8. Are there any free or cheap classes or workshops you can take to learn something new and interesting?

9. How can we add more exercise to your daily routine? Moving around more can help you feel better and more focused.

10. Can you think of a part-time or work-from-home job that you might like? It could help you earn extra money while doing something fun.

11. What is one thing you want to do in the next month? Let's make a plan to help you achieve it.

12. How can we check your progress and change your plan if needed, to make sure you're moving towards a great life?

13. What things are most important to you right now? How can we use those values to help you find new activities and goals?

14. Are there any causes you really care about? You could use your time and skills to help make the world a better place.

15. What do you want to be remembered for when you're not here anymore? Let's think of ways to leave something special for others.

16. Are there any creative things like writing, drawing, or playing music that you'd like to try? This can be a fun way to share your values and leave something special behind.

17. How can your dream of leaving something great behind help you make short-term and long-term goals? We can make a plan to make sure you're doing things that fit with your dreams.

18. Are there any people who have done amazing things that you admire? What can you learn from their stories to help you on your own path?

By asking these questions, we can make a plan that's just right for you. Your values, dreams, and ideas about leaving a special mark on the world will help us create a fun and interesting life together.

NLP Logical Level Model

One of the models I use frequently in my coaching work is Logical Levels. Using this model as a reference helps myself and clients clarify where they are in a change process and make better decisions about the kind of strategies that will bring about optimal change.

In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), the concept of logical levels refers to a model that helps to understand the different layers of human experience and how they are related. This model is derived from the work of Gregory Bateson, an anthropologist and systems thinker, and was further developed by Robert Dilts, a pioneer in the field of NLP.

The logical levels model consists of six distinct layers, organized hierarchically:

Environment: The physical and social context in which we live and work. It refers to external factors such as the people, places, and resources around us that influence our behavior and experiences.

Behavior: The specific actions and reactions that we perform in response to our environment. This includes our habits, routines, and skills in various situations.

Capabilities: Our abilities and strategies that enable us to perform various behaviors. These are the skills, talents, and competencies we possess and develop to help us achieve specific goals or tasks.

Beliefs and Values: The underlying principles and convictions that drive our behaviors and capabilities. Our beliefs are the assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world. Values are the guiding principles determining what is essential and worthwhile.

Identity: Our sense of self or who we believe we are. Identity includes our self-concept, self-esteem, and our roles in different aspects of our lives (e.g., parent, professional, friend).

Purpose/Spirituality: The highest level that relates to our sense of purpose, mission, or connection to something greater than ourselves. This level encompasses our beliefs about the meaning of life, our purpose in the world, and our relationship to a higher power or the universe.

The logical levels model is helpful in NLP for understanding the various aspects of human experience and facilitating change. By identifying the level at which a particular issue or problem exists, NLP practitioners can design interventions that target the appropriate level, leading to more effective and lasting change.

The Aligned Self

One of the favorite models I have trained in and currently use with my clients is The Aligned Self, developed and trained by Connirae and Tamara Andreas.

The Model presents a comprehensive framework for achieving personal alignment and success. It is divided into four parts, each of which focuses on a different aspect of the model.

Part One: Defining Success

In this part, we define what it means to be successful and introduce the idea of personal alignment. We begin to set clear and compelling outcomes and discuss the role of identity and belief in achieving success.

Part Two: Aligning Your Identity

Then we focus on the identity strategy of the model. We discuss the power of identity in shaping behavior and outcomes and provide practical exercises for aligning one's identity with their desired outcomes.

Part Three: Aligning Your Beliefs

In this work, we explore the role of belief in shaping behavior and outcomes. We use a range of techniques for identifying and modifying limiting beliefs that may be hindering progress towards one's desired outcomes.

Part Four: Aligning Your Strategies

Then, we focus on providing practical guidance for developing effective strategies and taking action towards achieving one's desired outcomes.

Overall, "The Aligned Self" presents a comprehensive framework for achieving personal alignment and success. It emphasizes the importance of setting clear outcomes, aligning one's identity and beliefs with those outcomes, and taking consistent action towards achieving them. We use practical exercises and techniques for implementing each aspect of the model, making it a valuable resource for clients seeking to create positive change in their life

Things are So Different

I have spent all of my adult life being a counselor, then a coach and consultant In total, I have served others in one of these capacities for over 50 years. So, since early 1973 I have had a role of doing what I can to help others thrive, improve their lives, and/or solve problems.

As I am still reeling from the last episode of shooting up a school, I realize how much more difficult my work has become. It isn’t that my clients have changed that much. They are still individuals wanting to improve their lives, or organizations that want help in being more effective with their clients, employees or customers. What has drastically changed is cultural context. It isn’t like our United States culture has every really provided great support for its citizens to thrive. Perhaps the last time that happened was post WWII with all the college help for many. Helping clients thrive has always been something that happened in a society that was largely neutral to the plight of its individual members.

Now, our culture has been largely destroyed. Much of this has been purposeful for both financial power for the wealthy and political power for politicians and those with political agendas.

That means my clients come to me, not only with what they would like to achieve in their lives, but fighting a sense of powerlessness that has been enhanced by current cultural dynamics. For one, since wages have been flat for workers for over 50 years, it is difficult to envision a thriving future where working for someone else will be both secure and provide increased income to address your needs.

Workplace culture has also become more toxic, with frequent rude behavior and over 70% of workers at least witnessing workplace bullying. There is pressure to do more with less, and very poor leadership in many organizations. The ethics of corporations have also, in my observations, became non-existent.

While unemployment is currently low, there are few occupations that really offer an ability, especially for younger, beginning workers. ‘

As a result, coaching now usually starts with getting to just okay, helping someone get stable and secure first. Then touching base later with helping them move towards thriving.

Between the divisive leadership of the country, and their success creating division and the wealth inequality and policies undermining the working classes, we have many factors that lead to coaching often being more of an uphill battle.

Having said all this, Coaching has also become commensurately more valuable. Clients come to me now with much more frequent feelings of being stuck and confused about how to navigate the world.

It shouldn’t be more difficult to thrive in the world’s richest country, but, for many, it is. The idea that people can figure things out and make it on their own is less and less feasible I will continue to help. I will also feel free to complain from time to time.

Generative Coaching

I like to help people thrive. If I had my way, we would all have positive, connected lives with great meaning, joy and purpose. I know a few people who achieve this, and I believe it has become more challenging over the years, at least in the United States. Thriving requires both a strong connection to something greater than ourselves, and a strong sense of self and personal purpose. There is very little in U.S. Culture that provides a map or path to creating a Thriving life. One tool is Generative Coaching.

Generative Coaching focuses on creating the life you may not even know you want yet. It is not just understanding what you need and want, but understanding your beliefs, values and purpose underlying these. It is about being sure that you are pursuing the goals, paths and strategies that give your life deep meaning while achieving the most important things for you.

Generative Coaching can help you dive beneath culturally scripted stories, goals and strategies and help you understand what stories, goals and strategies are best for you.

I chose this approach several years when I first began to intuit, then had illustrated to me, the limitations of the problem-solution framework. If you go to a coach, or therapist to solve a problem, and you succeed, you will be the same person, on the same life path with one less problem. Or, you might have an unsolvable problem, that you develop new strategies to make the problem less severe. These are useful outcomes, and every Coach does some of this work, including me.

I prefer to do a more global approach, and to see that problems are often side-effects of broader life strategies. I like to work on being emotionally balanced, spiritually awake, creating inner peace, and getting rid of problems that lacking those traits causes. In short, I want to help my clients Generate meaningful, balanced, thriving lives.

This kind of work is complicated, and may happen in phases. It includes health habits, skills of relating, and analyzing values, beliefs and purpose. If this sounds like it might be something you want, let me know.

Integrity Versus Despair

I have had quite a few conversations in the past few months with people over fifty who talk about struggling with depression, reviewing their lives, and doing some rethinking of many of their beliefs.

As I was thinking of it this morning, I realized that, while the study of human development is a bit over a century old, people who haven't studied psychology are unlikely to know about it. So, us older folks are unlikely to realize that we are experiencing normal developmental processes when we ponder these things. Erik Erikson, a prominent developmental researcher proposed that we go through 8 major developmental stages in life. His final stage, he described as Integrity vs. despair.

This final stage of human development, integrity vs. despair, occurs during late adulthood. This stage involves reflecting on one's life experiences and coming to terms with the choices made, successes achieved, and disappointments faced.

People who successfully navigate this stage develop a sense of integrity and acceptance of their life experiences, while those who struggle with this stage may experience despair and regret.

One example of integrity in this stage is the individual who looks back on their life with a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment, achieving their goals and making meaningful contributions to society.

They are able to accept their life experiences, both positive and negative, and feel a sense of coherence and meaning in their life story. They may also feel a sense of generativity, wanting to pass on their wisdom and experience to future generations.

On the other hand, an example of despair in this stage is the individual who looks back on their life with regret and disappointment, feeling that they have not accomplished what they wanted or lived up to their potential. They may feel a sense of despair or hopelessness, realizing that it is too late to change their life's course.

They may also experience feelings of bitterness or resentment, blaming others for their failures or feeling that life has been unfair to them.

Overall, the integrity vs. despair stage of development highlights the importance of reflecting on one's life experiences and accepting the choices and events that have shaped one's life.

As we go through this process, we Through this process, we can achieve a sense of acceptance, meaning, and fulfilment. In fact, that is the task, to overcome our mortality, accept ourselves both historically now and moving forward and achieve peace with the final stage of life.

Understanding Your Motivational Direction

Understanding Your Motivational Direction

How well do you understand your own motivational strategies?  Do you tend to move towards achievement or away from problems?  This is Motivation Direction.

Are you someone who clearly sees something you want to achieve and gets motivated?

Or are you someone who tends to scan for possible issues, and then becomes motivated about solving them?

Or, are you somewhere in the middle, someone who finds motivation in both moving towards achievement and away from issues? 

Tony Robbins has been fond of saying that we are either motivated towards pleasure or away from pain.  The research indicates this is a bit too simplified.

Most of the research in Motivational Direction has been in the workplace, but we all have consistent patterns in other contexts. In the workplace, according to research by Rodger Bailey,  there is an interesting distribution of these patterns.

Distribution Percentage in the Workplace

Mainly Towards

40%

Equally Towards and Away From

20%

Mainly Away From

40%

Understanding your own Motivational Direction can help you increase your motivation.  You can either think about all the positive results you can have, all the problems you can avoid, or a mixture of both.

Understanding others' Direction can help you understand how they work. It can increase your ability to help others become more motivated. You can reduce your frustration with those whose Motivational Directions are different from yours.  Towards people can become very frustrated with Away From people and vice versa.  Each style has both strengths and challenges. As it is largely unconscious, it is important that we learn to be patient with others who are different.

Each style has different strengths and challenges.  Towards people can often overlook potential problems.  They can overlook details in pursuit of a goal.  Away From people aren’t easily motivated by goal-oriented language. When there are no problems, their motivation can lag.

Do you want to become more motivated, or want to have a more successful team in the workplace? If so, contact me to discuss what we can do together.

https://rayhoskinscoachingandconsulting.as.me/

Identifying and Changing Patterns

The best coaching approaches are about finding and expressing purpose, creating the life you want, and living meaningful lives. While practical problem solution coaching also happens, it tends to be tied to longer-term approaches to meaning in life.

You see, problems are often side effects of our internal stories, our trying to live from the outside in, and limiting beliefs and relationships. They also result from being dependent on systems that devalue us, underpay us, and oppress us.

Life is complex. It is often difficult. Coaching can help us navigate the complexities and identify and walk away from things that undermine our well-being. It can help us create new directions and results.